Do I bite the bullet and let her come?

by Annoyed
(Fl)

My Fiance's ex-wife is extremely nice to me. For this I am very thankful. However, they have a son that just turned 2, and I have been around since he has 1. The child is always happy to be at our house and there is usually no drama. Well now ex- wife wants to come hang out at our house on Halloween in our new neighborhood, and go trick or treating. I have a problem with this. I do not want to set the stage for future events. Am I being too harsh by asking for us to say no? I feel like it's our time. She chose to end the marriage, and when she made that decision she should have anticipated that there were going to be sacrifices. I am am totally fine with having a good relationship with her, again, she is very nice, but I feel as if we start these habits now while the child is small, than this is what will become a "tradition" and I am sorry but I really don't want to share all of my new memories with her here! This is my family, I have children too, that live with us full time and I don't think having her involved in our "family" time is the best idea??? Please help!

Oct 22, 2011
Don't sweat the small stuff
by: Anonymous

I say you may need to put this in perspective - it's Halloween. You are worried about how this may set a precedent for other future holidays. My families traditions are different for Halloween than other holidays. And be careful what you wish for and the precedent you set for other event that can come back and bite you - say next year your husband would really like to be with his child on Halloween or some other event which is the mom's day - she may not want to compromise. Also, you talk about how you feel about it, what does your husband feel about it? The decision shouldn't be yours alone.


Sep 26, 2011
Will It Start A Tradition?
by: Kevin (Modern Manners and Etiquette)

It's hard to say whether this will continue to happen each year. I can't tell what is going to happen in the future.

If I had to guess, I would say that it would set the precedent to continue in the future.

That is why I mentioned in my previous post that it would be best to discuss it now so that the holiday is handled the way you would like to have it. That way, you do not have to worry about the "tradition" going forward.

Sep 25, 2011
Thanks-
by: Anonymous

I feel as if my point was being missed. My main concern is that by starting these traditions now while the child is small we will be forced into a more difficult situation down the road as the child begins to express his feelings. I want to set safe boundaries for the future. I also don't feel like it's my responsibility to get involved and confront her. He should, very kindly say, why don't you just take the child for an hour and bring him back. I forgot to mention we are hosting the dinner for all of our neighbors before trick or treating, I have never even met some of these people, and I have really been looking forward to this. I feel it is inappropriate for her to be there "blood" or not. This has nothing to do with the needs or wants of the child. He is happy in both homes as it should be. There is no confusion about her or my role, I just feel that she is crossing the line! So, my question is is that by starting these traditions now while the child is small we will be faced with a more difficult situation down the road? Will we?

Sep 24, 2011
Dear Annoyed,
by: Kevin (Modern Manners and Etiquette)

Dear Annoyed,

It is easy to understand your feelings and wanting to have your own family traditions without the ex-wife being there.

To tell you the truth, holidays and family events (baby showers, weddings etc.) are some of the most difficult times to deal with when it comes to split families from a divorce. Both sides of the family feel that they have a "right" to be there, and truthfully they both do have that right.

It is fortunate that the ex-wife wants to be involved in the child's life. Usually, there are greater psychological burdens placed on children that went through a divorce with little or no contact from either parent. This is her flesh and blood, and divorce does not change that. She may have chosen to end the marriage, but that does not change her relationship with the child.

You are also fortunate that the ex-wife treats you well. There are many that are still very bitter from the divorce and that just adds a layer of difficulty that you do not have.

So, how do you deal with it? I think the easiest solution would be to sit down and talk to her about it. If the relationship is good, she will certainly understand your feelings of wanting some time on the holiday for your family alone.

However, you have to be prepared to compromise. There is only one Halloween, so you have to be prepared to split the holiday where you have the child for part of it to do trick or treating on your own, and then give her the same opportunity. Or, the other solution would be to alternate years where you take one Halloween and she has the next one etc.

Again, I think it is just a matter of some communication presented in a way of saying here is what we feel and how do we solve it. When you approach it from that standpoint, I cannot see her feelings being hurt.

Good luck!